I learned this lesson after dealing with a toxic friend and partner for many years. This person, initially seemed very warm and caring. When I was going through tough times, even offered endless advice and was always quick to extend a helping hand. At first, I was grateful for her assistance.
"Never ever forget the only person who has best interest for you at heart is only you and your mother, all others have an agenda" even though there might be a few good ones out there.
But over time, I noticed a pattern. “help” always came at a price. After listening to my problems, she would tell me how to fix things--but her solutions always aligned with what she wanted. When I made my own choices, she would get upset if I didn’t follow her suggestions.
When I started spending more time with other friends, she began frantically calling and texting whenever we had plans apart. She insisted my other friends didn’t have my best interests in mind--only she knew what was good for me. Her constant “checking in” felt less like friendship and more like smothering control under the guise of care.
The more I pulled away, the more she would try to manipulate me by bringing up favors she had done for me. “After all I’ve done for you, how could you ignore me?” she would say. I realized her friendship came with deep obligations and implicit debts that could never fully be repaid.
This painful situation taught me to beware of “help” that becomes a tool of control. Now I look for these red flags:
- Advice with strings attached or expectations of getting something in return
- Offers of help that make you feel indebted or guilty
- “Support” through manipulation, criticism, or imposing unwanted solutions
- Helping that hurts your autonomy, creates dependence, or isolates you from others
True help empowers you and adds value without expecting anything back. Support should make you feel strengthened, not shackled. Trust your gut when something seems amiss. Refuse “favors” that you don’t want or ask for. You deserve selfless kindness, not control masquerading as aid. Value your freedom and voice above all else.
Looking back, I wish I had enforced firmer boundaries. The first time she made me feel indebted or criticized my choices, I should have made it clear this was unacceptable. Of course, it can be hard to confront controlling behavior, especially when it's wrapped in claims of caring about you.
But remembering your inherent worth can give you courage. You deserve support that allows you to grow as a person. Do not stand for manipulation or guilt-tripping, no matter how it's rationalized. Walk away permanently from “friends” who repeatedly cross lines. Prioritize your mental health and autonomy.
Seeking advice and help from others can be beneficial. We all need support sometimes. Just remember to reflect carefully on motives when offered assistance. Look for empowerment without strings attached. And listen to your inner voice - if something feels off, trust your gut. You have the right to accept or reject anything presented as "help." Make choices aligned with your well-being.
(The character *she is imagined, (Don't get all sweaty and touchy that am breaking, becoming needy and vulnerable) but useful in passing the message, Ai Helped in drafting this with the right prompts)